


Tu as tué la peur

by lillaseptember



Series: Time really moves fast [11]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 14:58:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14813582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillaseptember/pseuds/lillaseptember
Summary: The Bittles are a family struggling with mental illnesses.





	1. 2026

The late summer sun was a comforting warmth on Bitty’s back as he took his time climbing the steps up to their front door. At all of four years of age, Rebecca Anne Bittle was more than capable of climbing the stairs all on her own, thank you very much. Still, she kept a steady hold of her father’s hand as her short little legs struggled to keep a consistent pace.

She didn’t _need_ it. Oh no, sir, of course not. She just _preferred_ it.

Bitty smiled as his determined and independent little four year old kept babbling on about anything that crossed her mind, humming and agreeing at all the right places, tugging at her hand a little whenever she was about to lose her balance.

They were almost at the top of the steps when Becky’s lower lip suddenly jutted out, and she said, “I miss Ana and Min.”

Bitty nodded as he reached down to brush some of her wavy hair out of her face. “Me too, baby. But they’ll be home in two days, remember? You have to go to daycare two more times,” he said, holding up two fingers to illustrate his point, ”and then they’ll be home.”

Becky paused as she inspected Bitty’s fingers, and then exclaimed with more conviction than any four year old should have been capable of, “That’s a _bitch_.”

Bitty was too taken back to react properly, and when he did, it was by gaping like an idiot.

“Young _lady_ ,” he eventually managed to croak out, lifting her up the last of the steps, her cheeks already pinking by her bold choice of words and in anticipation of the scolding that was inevitably in front of her.

Opening and closing the door with his foot, he held her captive in her button up coat until he eventually managed to coax that it was Shitty that had taught her the word out of her. Shaking his head as he set about releasing her from the button hell that was her coat, already planning the best time to get a hold of the profanity teaching uncle, Becky eventually issued an apology and offered him a kiss on the cheek for his troubles.

Once free of the hell coat though, she quickly kicked off her shoes and ran into the living room, Bitty hobbling after her.

“You get to see two episodes, _two_ ,” he said, putting up his fingers to clarify his statement, “before dinner.”

“Okay,” she chimed brightly, already having laid claim on the remote. Bitty just sighed in resignation, already knowing that he would have to drag her kicking and screaming away from there eventually.

Knowing that some battles just had to be fought.

Walking back into the hallway, he discarded his own shoes and jacket. With the twins away at a tournament, and both of the boys at practice, it would just be him, Becky and Jack for the evening. Placing his shoes on the shelf just as the signature tune of Becky’s show started, he decided to locate said husband, seeing how Jack actually liked that brain rot of a tv show.

Lord knew why. Just the godawful music set Bitty’s teeth on edge.

“Sweetpea, we’re home,” he called as he hung up Becky’s discarded jacket too.

Getting no reply, he tried to tune out Becky’s show as he headed for the office. Jack had had an afternoon practice, and should have been home long before him and Becky. He usually spent the downtime between showering and dinner by watching tapes, and Bitty knocked before sticking his head through the door. “Jack?”

Finding the office empty and dark, Bitty closed it behind himself again. Casting a quick eye into the living room to see that Becky was placed peacefully on the couch, he set up the stairs.

“Honey?” he called again as he walked into their bedroom. Still seeing no signs of his wayward husband, he flicked on the lights as he went to check the bathroom too.

Jack was sitting on the wet floor of their shower, back pressed up against the wall. His hair, which was the only thing visible from where he had buried his face between his raised knees, was still damp. But the way the cold air made the hair on Bitty’s sun warm skin stand on end told him he had been sitting there for quite some time.

“Jack?” he asked as he carefully kneeled in front of him, not caring that the water soaked through his jeans.

Jack didn’t respond, and Bitty took a deep breath to keep his own fraying nerves under control.

“Honey? Honey, please look at me.”

Holding his breath, there was an endless moment before Jack shifted. He didn’t look directly at Bitty, but at least his strikingly blue eyes peeked out from where they had been hidden behind in his arms.

And Bitty knew that you had to appreciate the small victories.

Reaching out a hand to wrap it around Jack, of any part he could get a hold of, to reassure him in any way he could think of, Bitty just had time to stop himself. “Can I touch you?”

There was another endless moment before Jack responded, and when he did it was with an infinitesimal shake of his head. Bitty immediately withdrew, and cradled the almost offending hand in his lap.

“Okay.”

Sitting back on his heels, he had to settle on just being a silent moral support, unsure of what else he could do.

The attacks were scary, but at least they were kind of predictable. It was like a volcano eruption. Jack would shatter to pieces under the pressure of all his fears and worries. The explosion itself was devastating and the shrapnel could be volatile. But like all things, it would always come to pass. And while the road to recovery was often long and dwindling, just like the scorched land after a volcano eruption, Jack would always be more prolific in the aftermath.

But the breakdowns were scarier.

Bitty didn’t know how to deal with them, because none of them were like the other. He didn’t know what set them off or what could bring Jack out of them. Jack didn’t shatter, but he became fragile, and one wrong word or move could send him even further down the path of self destruction.

Bitty just wanted to _help_ , but he had no idea how to.

After having quite literally just sat on his hands for a few minutes, he eventually got up to tug one of the fresh towels out from the cabinet under their sink, seeing how Jack must be freezing. Getting no protest when he asked if he could wrap it around him, he carefully laid it across Jack’s broad shoulders. Jack immediately shivered once what must have been his freezing skin made contact with the warm fabric, and then clutched it closer.

Bitty walked back to the cabinet and tugged all of the cabinet’s worth of towels out onto the floor, and then set about wrapping Jack up in them.

Careful not to touch him while doing so.

Once Jack was a ridiculous towel burrito made out of mismatched towels wrapped awkwardly around his curled up form, Bitty spread the remaining towels out onto the floor, drying up the remaining water. Then he retook his place sitting down in front of his husband.

Giving it a few more minutes, picking at a loose thread in his jeans, he eventually decided to try again. “Jack, honey. Do you think you could get up?”

There was another moment of heartbreaking uncertainty, but then Jack nodded jerkily. He winced as he released the death grip his arms had been holding on his knees, and then started the painstaking journey of getting upright again.

Bitty kept rewrapping the towels that fell off of him as he moved, tugging them a little more securely around him the more vertical he got. Jack’s intense blue eyes were focused on the floor, that same kind of focus he had while taking a penalty shot or reading a new history article. His hand slipped on the wet tile once, and Bitty placed a steadying hand on his towel clad hip, but otherwise kept his hands to himself.

Bitty was occupying himself with drying Jack’s still damp hair, Jack taking his time in getting used to standing again, when the silence was suddenly broken between them again.

“Touch me.”

Jack’s voice was broken and scratchy, the words barely above a whisper, but Bitty would recognize that voice anywhere. Taking the towel he had been holding, he wrapped it around Jack’s midsection along with his arms, his own heart stuttering a little in his chest once Jack’s came up to hug him closer.

Bitty had no idea how long they just stood there, embracing in their cold bathroom. He could distantly hear the humming of Becky’s show, and figured it couldn’t have been that long, even when Jack’s freezing fingers dug into the small of his back. Pressing his face into Jack’s chest, feeling the slow thumping of his heart, he wished they could stay like that forever.

But he knew the world didn’t work like that. He had to keep moving. For his own sake. For Jack’s sake. For their kids sake.

“Come on,” he finally whispered, tugging on Jack’s hand, and led them out into their bedroom.

Bitty left him to dry off the last of the lingering water as he went to hunt down a pair of boxers, and then gently pushed him onto the bed. Jack fell back with a heavy thud, settling on top of his comforter, and then just stared up at the ceiling.

Sitting down on the other side of the bed, Bitty tugged on his own comforter until he could wrap it around Jack. Tucking him in nice and tight, he settled on his side beside him before he gently pushed his bangs away from his forehead.

“Bad thoughts?”

Jack nodded slowly, his eyes still trained on the empty ceiling, and Bitty slid his fingers into the soft strands of his hair.

“Want to tell me about them?”

“No,” he whispered softly, and Bitty nodded, never ceasing in the steady movement of his fingers.

“Okay.”

Then they just laid there for a while, Jack settling deeper into the mattress and Bitty carding his fingers through his hair.

Untangling an especially persistent knot, _Jack really needed a haircut_ , he brushed his thumb across one of Jack’s brows. “But whatever they’re telling you; Just remember that I love you. That the kids love you. And that we’re all so, so proud of you.”

It took a moment for Jack to respond again, but when he did he nodded softly, and then allowed his eyes to slide shut. Smiling a little despite himself, Bitty tugged a little more firmly on his hair to keep him awake for a few moments longer. “I have to go get dinner ready, okay?”

Jack nodded again, even though it was little more than just the tilt of his chin, and Bitty reached over to kiss his temple. Careful not to jostle him too much as he climbed out of the bed again, he ran a hand through his hair one last time, and then exited their quiet bedroom.

He just had time to close the door behind himself before he was met by the distinct patting of small feet and soft panting, and turned around to be met by Becky climbing up the last steps of the stairs. They had apparently taken a little too long for her liking then. Raising a finger to his lips to ask her to stay quiet, Bitty hurried to cross the hallway to meet her by the stairs.

“Papa?” she wondered quietly, but fell into step by Bitty’s side as he walked down the stairs again, reaching for his hand.

“Papa’s having a bad night, sweetheart,” he said as he squeezed her hand tighter. “So why won’t you help me in the kitchen tonight?”

She considered that for a while, and then tilted her head up to look at him. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah, sweetheart,” he said, and managed a weak smile for their little sunshine. “Yeah, he’s going to be just fine.”

Dinner was a bit of a messy affair that night, seeing how it was Becky’s choice and how she opted for PB&J’s along with chicken bolognese. Bitty had just sent her back into the living room with a pear half to cool down before bedtime as he cleaned up the worst mess of the tomato sauce. Checking the time, he picked up one of the spare sandwiches, and went up the stairs again.

Knocking softly before he pushed the bedroom door open, he was met with the sight of Jack sitting up against the headboard, an old, tattered Samwell shirt tugged on and with a tablet balanced on his lap. Smiling as he put down the plate with the offered PB&J, he reached over to tug at his hair again. “How’re you doing?”

“Better,” Jack replied, and even though his smile was small, it was genuine, and Bitty felt some of his worry slip off of his shoulders. Then, before Bitty even had the chance to think of something else to say, “Is Becky still up?”

“Yeah,” Bitty said, smiling a little. “You want me to get her?”

Jack nodded again, and Bitty slid his hand down to cup his cheek.

“I’ll be right back.”

Becky was still clutching onto Bitty’s hand when they walked into the bedroom, uncertain of her place there. But her uncertainty quickly transformed into a solid determination once she spied Jack curled up on the bed.

“Papa?” she asked, her arms stretched out wide in a silent question. After a heartbeat, Jack opened his own in reply.

She all but launched herself onto the bed and into his arms, settling snugly on his chest, Jack’s arms heavy around her. Bitty smiled as he laid down beside them, his own head resting on Jack’s shoulder.

It was a peaceful and comfortable little moment, and Bitty had half thought that Becky had drifted off to sleep, when she piped up, “Are you afraid of the monsters?”

Both Jack and Bitty looked down at her in surprise, and it was Jack that had to ask “What?” as he tucked some of her hair behind her ear.

“Are you afraid of the monsters under your bed?” she repeated, her eyes wide and serious, and Jack’s mouth fell open.

“I-” he started, then pressed his lips together, seeming to consider it. Brushing her hair out of her face, he offered her a rueful smile. “Yeah. I guess I am, sweetheart.”

That surprisingly made her grin widely.

“Well, I can scare them away! You taught me how!” she said, before stretching out her short arms, her tiny fingers curled into a claw-like gesture. “RAWRRRR!”

Bitty had to hide his smile behind his hand, but Jack chuckled brightly into her open palm, before pressing a soft kiss there. Then he just looked at her with so much wonder and fondness that it made Bitty’s chest ache.

“I think you scared them right off.”

“Good,” she said proudly, before settling down on his chest again. “I don’t want you to be scared.”

“Me neither, mon trésor,” Jack said as he pulled her closer, running his fingers through her hair. “Moi non plus.”

Quieting down again, Bitty running a soothing hand down Becky’s back until her eyelids drooped close, he was startled out of their blessed little peace by his phone, scrambling to quiet it before it could wake Becky again. Squinting down at the alarm, he tilted his head up to press a quick kiss to Jack’s mouth.

“I have to go get the boys,” he whispered, trying and failing magnificently at not disturbing Becky. “You’ll be okay?”

“Yeah,” Jack said around a smile, and it was the bright, warm smile that Bitty was used to. “I got my monster hunter right here.”

Becky roared, while yawning, at him again, and Jack roared softly right back, pressing their foreheads together. And watching them giggle foolishly at each other before he closed the bedroom door again, Bitty knew that he was going to be alright.

* * *

Karim and Josué were wrestling in the backseat, as was per usual, and Bitty threw a weary glance at them in the rearview mirror as he stopped at a red light. Why were the drives _back_ from practice pickup never quite as peaceful as the drives _there_ were?

“Boys. _Boys_ ,” he said, and even though the wrestling didn’t stop, at least he got a hold of some of their attention. “Papa’s had a bad night tonight.”

“Okay,” Karim said, immediately letting go of his brother and settling down in his seat again. “Is he alright?”

Thinking back to the bright smile Jack had offered him before he left, Becky curled up by his side, Bitty smiled as he shifted the gear back into drive. “Yeah. Yeah, he’s okay.”


	2. 2037

Sophie had barely had time to finish chewing her dinner before Chris had dragged her into the living room and started shoving pictures in her face. Digging out every single photo album they had accumulated over the years, he was apparently on a quest to show her every single embarrassing photo of his older brother he could find. Karim had left his own dinner half eaten, almost toppling out of his chair in his haste to stop the defamation before it could get too out of hand.

But he had been too helplessly enamored by Sophie’s delighted smile that he had just ended up standing like a fool in the middle of the living room.

Jack had smiled that endlessly warm smile at Bitty over his wine glass, and Bitty had just shook his head before he had started picking up the various cutlery strewn around the table.

Karim and Sophie were back in Providence to settle some final details concerning the upcoming wedding, and Bitty was glad for the company. Josué and Danielle had also been shipped off to college in the fall, and while Danielle was only at Samwell, Josué was all the way over in Colorado.

And while the house would probably never be quiet as long as Christophe Bittle still lived in it, it just felt sort of… _Empty_ , nowadays.

_He still had a good 8 years before Chris would even start_ thinking _about moving out_ , he promptly reminded himself as he placed the stray cutlery on an empty plate. Besides, this was no time to start getting melancholy.

Jack drained the last of his wine once he realised that Bitty’s fidgeting was more than just antsy restlessness, and then promptly swatted his hands away from where they had been stacking plates, giving the prepared pie on the kitchen island a pointed look. Bitty could only shake his head again, but accepted the kiss Jack pressed to his cheek, and then patted his back before he left him to do cleanups.

Apparently having gotten over his lovestruck paralysis, the two of them moved around the kitchen to the soundtrack of Karim’s violent protest, Chris’ indignant squeals, and Sophie’s enchanting laughter. Jack just stacked the dishes on the counter and then went to join the ruckus in the living room, never one to miss a humiliation session. Checking the pie in the oven one last time, Bitty wiped his hands, and then went to join them too.

Settling behind the couch, with one hand resting on the nape of Jack’s neck while watching over his shoulder, they had just reached one of the most unflattering photos, that Bitty himself had actually taken. It was of Karim, on his way of ungracefully falling face first to the mat after having missed a transition on the horizontal bars. Bitty had just assured a gleeful Sophie that he could indeed get a copy of it, under the anguished protests of Karim “being attacked from all fronts”, when he checked the clock.

Bending down to press a quick kiss to Jack’s temple and running a hand through Chris’ messy curls, he went into the kitchen, removed the pie from the oven to cool, prepared a PB&J and a bowl of berries and fruits, and then set up the stairs.

Becky had skipped dinner, as she had done for the last couple of weeks.

Her bad episodes always started slowly, and always somehow caught Bitty off guard. She started skipping meals, then became more and more withdrawn, more and more snappish, until she completely shut herself off inside her room, with no contact whatsoever with the outside world.

They weren’t quite there yet, and Bitty prayed with all his might that they wouldn’t have to end up there this time around.

Knocking softly on her door before he poked his head through it, he found her laying flat on her back on her bed, staring up at the empty ceiling. She didn’t react to Bitty’s entrance, and he silently shut the door with his hip once he’d made it through it.

Her room was a quiet mess, in even more of a disarray than it usually was. Clothes were strewn all across the floor, dirty dishes cluttered every flat surface, and her beloved plants were slowly wilting.

Bitty tried to tidy it up as best as he could while she was away at school during the days, seeing how she still had enough energy and motivation to still get up out of bed for that most days. But he wasn’t able to do much, seeing how she didn’t like the reminder that she wasn’t able to do it herself, and how that just made her feel even worse about the whole situation.

Her swimming duffle was upturned in one of the corners of the room. She hadn’t even touched her swimming suit in weeks.

None of it was her fault, but it wasn’t like you could reason someone else out of depression.

Clearing some leftover dishes from her bedside table, he replaced it with the new snacks, and then carefully sat down on the bed up by her head.

“Hi honey,” he said as he wove his fingers into her long hair, tenderly trying to untangle the worst of the knots. She leant into his touch, which was a small victory, but didn’t otherwise respond. “How’re you feeling?”

She was quiet for a long moment, and Bitty had half accepted not getting an answer out of her, when she finally turned to rub her cheek against his thigh and mumble out a weak, “Tired.”

The empty look in her eyes broke Bitty’s heart, and he hated feeling so utterly _helpless._

“I know, baby,” was all he could say, continuing the steady movement of his hands, clinging onto the small hope that she at least still found comfort in his touch and presence.

They just stayed like that for a long time, Becky continuing to lay motionless and Bitty slowly combing through her hair. Bitty could hear the excited shouts from the bottom floor, and wished, not for the first or last time, that he could carry some of her burdens for her.

“Is papa home?”

The question caught Bitty by surprise, her broken and scratched voice enough for his hands to still. He considered it for a moment, and then continued his previous movements.

“Yeah”, he replied, fully aware that she already knew the answer. But he also knew that sometimes it was easier to answer than to ask. “Do you want me to get him?”

Becky was still for a long moment more, before she eventually nodded, with her head still resting on Bitty’s thigh.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, before he bent down to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

Jack practically launched himself out of the couch as soon as Bitty mentioned that Becky had asked for him, and was halfway across the living room before he remembered that they were entertaining a guest. But Sophie had just smiled at them, clutching onto Karim’s hand, and had then turned to ask Chris if he had any embarrassing photos of Ana and Min.

Jack stalked up the stairs two steps at a time, and Bitty had to jog to keep up with him. He didn’t slow down until he was standing right outside Becky’s door, and then he knocked twice. They politely waited for the answer they knew would never come, and then Jack carefully pushed the door open.

Becky had struggled her way up into a sitting position, curled up by the headboard of her bed, and her red rimmed eyes wavered over to them as soon as Jack entered.

Jack’s focused eyes immediately zeroed in on her, and he didn’t hesitate before he stretched his arms out wide in a silent question.

After a heartbeat, Becky opened her own in reply.

The bed protested a little under the weight of Jack slumping down beside her, but soon Becky was scooped up in his large embrace. Becky carefully wound her own arms around him too, her fingernails digging into his back, and Jack slowly started rocking her as he shushed her softly.

Bitty quickly realized that he was redundant in the scene, and smiled a little to himself as he carefully closed the door behind them.

Even after all these years and he was still not fluent in Jack’s mother tongue. But he still remembered enough of his time in school to make out his husband’s whispered reassurement.

Je suis ici. Je suis ici. 

_I’m here._

* * *

Walking down the stairs again, he was immediately met with Sophie’s laughter and proud grin. From the lack of distress on Karim’s face, he could only assume that they had moved on to the embarrassment of other family members.

Settling against the frame of the doorway, Bitty smiled to himself as he inspected the small remnants of his family.

“Becky’s had a bad day,” he said in way of explanation for the abrupt ending of their night, and all three of them turned to look at him.

“Is she alright?” Karim immediately asked with a worried frown, and Bitty was glad that at least some things never changed.

“Yeah,” Bitty said, thinking of the way Becky had clung onto Jack, and how tightly he had held her in return. “Yeah, she’ll be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao this was so not what i was supposed to be writing right now but. anxiety’s a bitch :))))


End file.
